Enough with the small talk already!
Posted by: Muskoxen Keith on May 8, 2009 10:21:25 pm EDT
Seeing as it’s a Friday, and a relatively nice day weather-wise, today was unusually bad for small talk at work. Why do we all feel the need to have small talk? We say the same tired cliché’s week after week, to the same people in the hallways, in elevators, waiting in line, etc.… when will it end?
Monday ”Ugh! Grumble, grumble, grumble… I HATE Mondays. Here we go again…”
Tuesday: “Is it Friday yet?”
Wednesday: “It’s HUMP day! Yay! It’s all downhill from here.”
Thursday: “One more day…”
Friday: “TGIF!”
I know there are a MILLION derivatives of these, but they’re all saying basically the same things. And, seriously, who the fuck cares? If we all feel the same way, it’s understood, isn’t it? I don’t need you to tell me what day of the week it is unless I ask you. And if by chance I do ask you, I don’t need any variation of what was said above to accompany it. Just tell me the day of the fucking week.
Small talk is not simply relegated to just days of the week though. No-ooo, that would be too easy. There’s sports, weather, current events (swine flu, anyone?), basically anything is fair game. But why do we feel the need to say these stupid things? It’s because someone out there has deemed it impolite not to speak. Why? If I don’t know you and I’m taking a walk outside and I see you, why must we briefly chat about how nice of a day it is? Of course it’s a nice day – that’s why we’re outside enjoying the weather. I don’t need you to tell me it’s nice out…
Similarly, if it’s raining outside, I don’t need you to point that out to me, either. I’m quite adept and can figure out that when precipitation is falling that it’s a crappy day outside. Especially if it’s been raining for several days straight. I honestly don’t care what your thoughts on a week long rain streak are. “Oh, gee, will the sun EVER come back out?” No you dumb bitch, didn’t you know that rain for more than four days straight is a sign of Armageddon? The world is over! No more sun. Ever. I’m just tired of it. It’s so inane.
Maybe I wouldn’t hate small talk if it wasn’t called small talk. We don’t have BIG talk, do we? No, we have conversations. WTF is small talk? I’m seriously perplexed. I assume the name small talk has been given because it’s brief encounters that don’t require full conversations… so why do they require speaking at all?
And maybe I wouldn’t hate small talk if it wasn’t just harmless topics that could be broached. Why can’t I ask a perfect stranger if they had sex last night? “Nice weather, huh, Bud?” “Yeah, for fucking. You get any last night?” Somehow, this won’t go over well, but had I responded with something equally mindless like, “Yeah, beautiful day. We don’t get many like this, we’d better enjoy them while we can! What are we doing here (insert place) and not out playing?” Fuuuuuck….
I’m here to suggest that we replace small talk. I don’t want to do away with it completely, just switch it up! I’m tired of the same old, same old. Be creative! Seriously, people, we can make small talk fun again! But it’s going to take work from all of us!
For example, instead of saying, “Ugh. I HATE Mondays…” say “Hey, it’s only four more days til the weekend!” Actually, that sucks, too. Say something clever like, “Monday is a shitty way to spend 1/7th of your life.” I’d probably hate you more if you said that, actually, because then I’d realize that you put EFFORT into doing something that is utterly unnecessary.
Am I the only one out there that hates small talk? Post some of your least favorite small talk quotes and I’ll put The Muskoxen approved spin on them (or an approved response to said quote). If you’d like it to be safe for work, please specify and I’ll see what I can do for you. No promises though.
Thank God It’s Friday! Yeah but it’s only two days until Monday…
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written by Keith, May 08, 2009
I'd imagine pregnancy only exacerbates the issue. But then again, it can work to your advantage too. If you go off on someone because of their stupidity, they’ll chalk it up to “hormonal imbalance,” and not give it another thought, if I go off on them, they’ll call the Police.
written by Kim, May 08, 2009
written by Jess, May 08, 2009
written by Geoff, May 09, 2009
As a third option, I would like it if, "Go fuck yourself," was considered an acceptable response in these situations.
"Hot enough for you?"
"Go fuck yourself."
It could be a great system.
I think a lot of it is people trying desperately to convince themselves that they're not miserable at their jobs. They probably think to themselves, "I'm friends with this person. We always talk about what day it is."
On a related note, is it hypocritical that I despise the small talk, but I get really frustrated when someone won't acknowledge me as we pass in the halls? Obviously I understand if the person is carrying a bunch of stuff, or they're in a hurry or whatever, but there's one guy and one lady at my work who obviously make it a point to look all around the hall rather than make eye contact with me and nod or whatever.
Now, yes, it could be because I'm staring at them like a maniac, judging their reaction to me, and probably sneering at them, but come on. We walk past each other twice every day. All I'm asking is that you don't pretend I'm not there. It makes me want to club them with the fire extinguisher.
written by Keith, May 15, 2009
