The Muskoxen

First, I want to point out that I don’t think that I should have to write this. Apparently I do though, as too many times recently have these rules been broken resulting in an uncomfortable experience for me. So without further ado, allow me to present The Men’s Bathroom Guide.

I’d like to point out that these are not suggestions, rather, rules to be followed by all men. All men. Always. Seriously.

(For the record, I am not claiming to pioneer these thoughts. I’m just reiterating things that every man should already know as unspoken rules. Clearly some men don’t know these rules or need a refresher. Enjoy.)

- No man should take the urinal next to an occupied urinal. There is a minimum of a one urinal barrier at all times. There are only a few exceptions to this rule: if you’re at a sporting event, and the line is out the door, it is understood that this rule is null and void. Same goes for a crowded club/bar. However, that’s it. If the amount of urinals occupied prevent you from taking a urinal with a one space barrier, use a stall. Period.

- Speaking of stalls, the same holds true for stalls, no man should ever sit down next to an occupied stall. No one wants to hear your grunts, flatulence, or smell your ass. If there are not stalls that allow the barrier rule to be upheld, find a new bathroom. No exceptions.

- Talking is allowed at the sinks only. And only if it’s 100% necessary. I HATE urinal talk… no one is comfortable with that. Cut it out, people! Stall to stall talking is the worst – I believe that it should be punishable by a swift kick to the nuts once you’ve cleaned up. The ONLY time this is acceptable is when asking for TP or if you’re on fire and need someone to dunk your stupid ass in the toilet you just defecated in. Otherwise shut the fuck up, I’m trying to take a shit, not chat. Cell phones are no excuse to talk. No talking means exactly that.

- If your friend is going to the bathroom (number one or number two) it’s creepy if you hang out IN the bathroom waiting for him. Walk outside and wait there. Do not try to hold a conversation with him: see above.

- Bathrooms are a terrible place for small talk, and an especially bad place for jokes. Don’t try it, you’re not funny and I couldn’t care less. And God forbid you are actually funny and you make me laugh and piss on myself by mistake… how is that funny? Practice your shtick at the fucking water cooler, Slick.

- Brushing your teeth is to be done at home, not in public restrooms. It is not only generally frowned upon, but disgusting. Flossing is even worse. No one’s teeth are so bad that they can’t wait until they get home to handle that shit. I’m trying to pee, not watch you unhinge your jaw to floss your molars. If your breath stinks chew some fucking gum like the rest of us.

- Flush the fucking toilet when you’re done! Who goes to the bathroom and then doesn’t flush? How can you forget to flush? That’s like forgetting to wipe – it just can’t happen. Yet it does. Are there men out there who forget to wipe too? There is no more off-putting a situation than walking into a stall and finding another man’s chocolate soft serve bulging out of the toilet that you need to use.

- Washing your hands is mandatory. I don’t want your dick germs on me. If you’re at home and you want junk germs to cover everything like dust, have at it. But in a public restroom have some respect and wash up. You don’t have to use soap (it would be nice though – it’s there for a reason) but at least rinse your shit before turning that doorknob.

Lastly, if you’re drunk, none of these rules apply (except the hand washing one).

If we would all follow this simple game plan things would be so much easier and nicer. Feel free to ignore me, of course, but be ready for me to bitch you out if I catch you slipping. Comment away, I’d love to see if I missed anything.