Why I'm Fat

Posted by: Muskoxen Keith on May 8, 2009 11:04:54 pm EDT  

Tagged in: weight , funny , abdominus

So I finally figured out why I'm fat! It's not because I'm lazy, or because I overeat, or that I drink beer like it's going out of style, or that my diet is worse than a group of first time Weight Watchers meeting participants... it's (are you ready for this?) because I chew too much gum! Don't believe me? Check it out:

http://health.msn.com/weight-loss/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100237729&GT1=31036

If you don't feel like reading all of that, I've taken the liberty of highlighting the important parts (for my purposes, anyway) here:

And here I was thinking that chewing gum was helping the prevention of cavities and keeping my breath fresh! Those damned dentists don't tell you this part of the equation! So now I'm in a conundrum: stank breath and rotting teeth, or a bloated belly?

Thanks MSN... at least I chuckled when I read your article so I toned my transverse abdominus, I guess it could be worse...

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written by Keith, April 21, 2010
OK, it's been a year. I stopped chewing gum, and guess what? I'm still fat. WTF? How can that be? This article had so much promise.... I suppose it was just too good to be true (like those speaker deals I always get from shady guys in vans in parking lots). Fuck you MSN! I've been walking around for a year with kung fu (kicking) breath and for what? Not a got damn thing. Stride and Orbitz here I come, fat and all - but at least I'll be minty fresh and fat.

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