The Muskoxen

It all started as a passing comment; a joke, even, when Muskoxen Brendan brought it up to his wife. The idea was simple: women get showers when they’re having a baby, so why can’t a man? All of the buddies head to Atlantic City for the weekend to celebrate having a baby. It wasn’t a serious thought, but then the hand of God came down and made it all come together, and in the end it was certainly nothing to laugh about.

Friday evening, Muskoxen Brendan picks me up at my house en route to a rendez-vous with Muskoxen Vince and Muskoxen Geoff at Muskoxen Vince’s house and then the four of us are to go to Atlantic City for the weekend. But this was no ordinary weekend in AC. This was a “guys–only” weekend. This was the MAN-SHOWER!

We arrived in Atlantic City and unpacked the car; four small bags of clothing, some random snacks, a case of warm Guinness, a cooler filled to the brim with ice cold beer, various ‘cellos, and liquor. We enter the Fairfield Resort that Muskoxen Vince has gotten us through his time share and checked in. When we got to the room, we were pleasantly surprised– two bedrooms with King sized beds, two bathrooms, a pullout couch, full kitchen, and a nice view from the balcony. Shortly after running through the rooms, we cracked open the cooler and let the party start.

We drank a few shots of ‘cello, had some beer and decided it was time to gamble. We hit the Resorts casino since it was closest in proximity to our room. Muskoxen Vince and Muskoxen Brendan both go instinctively to the craps tables, while Muskoxen Geoff and I head (instinctively?) straight to the bar - we’re not big gamblers. Details become sketchy as the night passes… I know that we were there for a while and then ended up back in the room a while later and I believe that Muskoxen Vince had lost money and Muskoxen Brendan won, but I could be mistaken. We decide to hit a strip club.

Having been to AC before, we knew in advance that most of the strip clubs in AC SUCK! Seriously, since when are chicks in bikini’s considered to be strippers? Some of the spots aren’t even topless! That is unacceptable. Fortunately, we knew this going in, and had researched and found the “good” spots. We hop in a cab and are on our way, beer in hand. All of the “good” spots in AC are BYOB, FYI… we wait in line for a while and once we get in – it’s on! Ok, so the spot was nice, but the “full nude” advertisement was slightly misleading… while the stripper *will* get fully nude, you have to pay for a “private dance” in order to see any of the real goodies… that’s some garbage. I blew my money way too quickly, and spent the rest of the night drinking and copping cheap feels. J I will say that the ladies were very hot, and I was pleasantly surprised. The rest of the night is a drunken blur all I know is that we got home around 6:00am and had to be up by 11:00 for some sort of time share bs meeting. We all crash, and in the blink of an eye my alarm was going off… nah, couldn’t be…? I’m still drunk… Oh well, wake everyone up.

We do the meeting and get some “free” gambling money for the Resorts casino ($25 each!, not bad, eh?). After the meeting the plan was to go back to sleep, but we decided to go to “Meatball Madness” for lunch instead (sponsored by the hotel). We got meatball subs, chips and Cokes, ate, played ping pong (MADNESS!) and decided to go for a walk on the boardwalk.

This was the weekend before St. Patrick’s Day, but there was apparently a St. Paddy’s Day parade going on. We walked for a few miles trying to catch up to the parade, but never fully succeeded. We saw part of it though, so it wasn’t a wasted walk.

We then decided to head to the Resort’s casino to gamble away our free money. I decide that since it’s free money that I’ll waste it at the craps table trying to learn the game. Once we got the money though, we were informed that the money was slated for slot machine use only. Damn. So much for my craps idea… but wait, can we just cash out after one stupid game? Nope… but it was worth a shot. I ended up parlaying the $25 card in $37 in cash and Muskoxen Vince decided that since he was out of gambling money that he would pool his money with me and “coach” me at craps. It worked. I ended up winning a little bit of money… nothing major, but it was all free money, so why would I complain? I paid Muskoxen Vince his money back, plus coaching fees and everyone was happy. Especially Muskoxen Brendan! He had apparently, gone up a LOT on this trip… enough so that he offered to take everyone out to a nice steak dinner! Nice. Thanks again, bro!

We went to dinner at someplace (the something something tavern… I can’t remember the name, sorry) and had a nice steak dinner and a few beers and then it was on to The Pogues concert at the Borgata that we had planned this whole weekend around. The Pogues are an Irish rock band who Muskoxen Brendan absolutely LOVES! He’s been playing The Pogues’ music for all of us for years now… I don’t remember exactly, but they had apparently broken up and gotten back together and were now touring for the first time in like 10-15 years, so this was a big deal. Muskoxen Brendan was so excited. It was cool to see him so happy, and know that us being there was part of his excitement. We all knew the truth was that he could’ve cared less if we were there, but we liked to think that our presence made the concert *that* much better for him.

The concert was very cool! I can honestly say that it was my first rock concert ever and I had a good time. I couldn’t stand in the “standing area” for long though… there were too many drunk people jumping around and bumping me to enjoy… Muskoxen Vince and I slid to the back of the room and sat in the bleachers and enjoyed the view. I could actually see the band now! I didn’t have some 6-plus foot oaf in front of me anymore! I didn’t have to peek under his arm when he threw them in the air! Woo-hoo! The concert was very good, and lasted much longer than I had anticipated.

After the concert it was back to the room for more drinking and then back to the Resorts Casino. Muskoxen Brendan was itching to win more, apparently. Muskoxen Geoff and I took up our spots at the bar and were hanging out while Muskoxen Vince coached Muskoxen Brendan. Muskoxen Geoff and I were talking, pondering life’s nuances, when two very lovely ladies walk by and I catch their eye. I smile. They smile back. I speak. They speak back. Being the natural flirt that I am, I invite them over for a drink. They accept. I look at Muskoxen Geoff and declare with a big smile, “See? That’s how easy it is.” They sit down and introduce themselves to us as Toya and Precious. They’re definitely cute. I ask them what they’d like to drink and I get in response, “Amaretto sour and a virgin strawberry daiquiri.” VIRGIN?!?!?! How old are these girls? Oh well, to the bar.

I get to the bar, order the drinks and the bartender looks at me and says, “Those girls don’t have ID’s.” I shrug my shoulders and realize, SHIT I never even thought to ask for ID – I just assumed. Feeling kinda dumb, the bartender looks at me, shrugs, and tells me that the daiquiri machine is broken. I walk over to the ladies and inform them of the circumstances and the virgin daiquiri girl switches her drink to a pineapple juice and Absolut. Back to the bar. As I’m handing the bartender the money for the drinks, Muskoxen Geoff appears, looking a bit worse for the wear. He calmly explains to me that the girls are hookers. HOOKERS?!?!?! Apparently in the short while that I was gone the three of them had been talking and they explained that they were “working girls”. Muskoxen Geoff, in his drunken state (and undeniable innocence) wasn’t sure at first what they meant so they spelled it out for him. He apparently didn’t see me at the bar so he ran down Muskoxen Vince and Muskoxen Brendan at a craps table and they in turn informed the entire surrounding area that I was talking to hookers. Muskoxen Geoff wanted them to run interference. When he returned, he found me at the bar – RIGHT AFTER I PAID!!!! 30 seconds earlier and I’d have saved myself $20, oh well.

I figure that since I’ve already spent $20 I’m going to chat them up, see what’s doing. I find out that their hourly rate is $500. You read that correctly. $500 an hour for EACH! I was flabbergasted. But me being me, I had to negotiate. Not that I was actually going to do anything, but I had to see what I could bargain. Long story short I got them down $200 for an hour with both of them. It’s a good thing I didn’t have an extra $200 laying around! ;) JUST KIDDING! (Not really.) YES I AM!!!!! Am I? The ladies drank their drinks and were on their way.

After they left, Muskoxen Geoff and I got to talking. We were laughing at the sheer stupidity of the situation when it hit me. The bartender said, “Those girls don’t have ID’s.” Was I supposed to know what that meant? Was that bartender-speak for “steer clear?” We had to find out. We approached the bartender and asked him. He claimed that everyone knows that. Maybe they do in AC, but I had no idea. Muskoxen Geoff admitted that he would not have known either, so I didn’t feel too bad. A couple dickheads at the bar pipe in that they would have known and blah blah blah… I’m an idiot, you know the drill. Yeah sure, buddy. Whatever. After all of this time thinking about it, I’ve realized that those guys would have known because they are the types of people who need hookers to get laid. I have never, and will never, pay for sex so how/why should I know the ins and outs of that stuff? All in all, I’m not mad in the least that my attempt to flirt with two attractive ladies was thwarted by them being hookers, in fact I’m happy about it. It makes for a better story in the end. Right?

After the hooker fiasco it was back to the hotel room – ALONE. Guys only. We had some unfinished business to tend to. Cigar smoking. And spitting. Muskoxen Vince, Muskoxen Geoff and I bought Muskoxen Brendan some nice cigars to celebrate with. And we hadn’t smoked them yet, now was as good a time as any. The cigars were good (not that I know the real difference between good and bad), but they certainly weren’t bad. As we smoked we began spitting off of our balcony and an impromptu contest began, much to the chagrin of the female party directly below us who informed us that we were, “Gross.” Oh well. We’re Muskoxen, dammit! We ain’t supposed to be pretty! The spitting lead to some other activities that, while funny, are not appropriate to share with the world. Just know that we were scorned by Troop Leader Muskoxen Vince for our actions. We were sorry for our actions, too.

After smoking it was more of The Guy Game on PS2, and then we realized that the sun was coming up… we hadn’t slept. We figured that we might as well pack up and hit the road while we were still semi conscious. I don’t know how Muskoxen Brendan managed to do it, but he drove us back to Muskoxen Vince’s house to drop off Muskoxen Geoff and Muskoxen Vince and then he drove me home and then made it to his house unscathed as well. I was SO tired – I’m not used to getting 5 hours of sleep in a weekend. I kept nodding off and somehow Muskoxen Brendan powered through it. Muskoxen power, baby!

The Man-Shower was a TOTAL success. We got to drink, be merry, see boobies, smoke cigars, eat steak dinners, play The Guy Game, spit, see The Pogues live in concert, win some money, talk to hookers, and sleep for 5 hours. What more could you ask for? Only one thing: to be able to do it again!